Jan 10 2006
A change of mind
There was a man. He was going back to his office. He was passing a group of people in the street. He heard a few words of what they were saying. He suddenly stopped to move. He looked at those people in a way that showed that maybe he wanted to say something to them, but he decided not to do it because it was not a good idea. He ran quickly to the other side of the road. He went quickly to his office. He sharply told his secretary not to interrupt what he was going to do. He quickly and firmly took hold of the phone. He almost finished dialing but at that moment his decision changed. He put receiver back down and moved his hand slowly over his moustache, thinking… No, he was not acting in a wise way.
This is not a very well-written text, is it? Firstly, it contains two mistakes, and secondly, the structure and the choice of words and expressions are not good at all. In fact, this text needs a complete shake-up; it has to be rewritten all over!
Rewrite the text making any changes you find necessary to correct and improve it.
2 responses so far
2 Responses to “A change of mind”
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Delaram Fallahi, Tehran, Iran (23 January 2006)
There was a man going back to his office. Passing a group of people in the street, he overheard them. He held still and looked at those people as if he wanted to say something to them, but he changed his mind since it was not a good idea.
He tore across the road, rushed to his office and ordered his secretary not to interrupt him. He grabbed hold of the phone and had almost finished dialing when his decision changed. He put the receiver back down and caressed his moustach, thinking…. No, he was not acting wisely.
……………….
Nassim Ghiassi (13 May 2006)
A man was going back to his office. He was passing by a group of people in the street when he heard a few words of what they were saying. Suddenly he stopped moving and looked at those people in a way as if he wanted to say something to them, but he decided not to do so because it was not such a good idea.
He ran quickly to the other side of the road and went to his office. He sharply told his secretary not to interrupt him. Quickly and firmly he picked up the phone. He had almost finished dialing when he suddenly changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and moved his hand slowly over his moustache, thinking… No, he was not acting in a wise way.
……………….
Pejman Irani, Australia (24 May 2006)
Passing by a group of people in the street on his way back to the office, the man overheard their talks. He stopped and looked at them, as if to talk to them. But instead he ran quickly to the other side of the road. Back to his office, he asked her secretary not to disturb. He hung up before the end of dialing a number “that’s not wise” he told himself, softly touching his mustache.
Good tries! There are some nice structures in your versions, notably Ms Fallahi’s “tore across the road”, and Mr Irani’s “on his way to the office”. Mr Irani has also managed to wrap the text up in much fewer words.
However, there are parts that need improvement.
What is a shorter and better way of saying “moved his hand slowly over his moustache”? Ms Fallahi, has used “caressed his moustache”. Any other suggestions?
Mr Irani’s “hung up” is good, but not “before the end of dialing a number”. Perhaps we could change that to something like “before finishing dialing”?
And here is a bit of help. Consider using these words and expressions in your text: clutch, whisper, snap, seize
And a final point. No-one has mentioned what the two mistakes in the text are!