The Writing Workshop

Here is a short text describing how someone is feeling on a hot day. The narrator is an officer on a ship which has docked in a harbour:

My shirt was very very wet and sticky because I had sweated a lot. It wasn’t a shirt anymore. I felt pain in my feet because the deck plates, which were made of steel, were very very hot. I felt pain in my forehead because I was wearing white cap (which had a part at the front which stuck out above the eyes) and the leather band of the cap was pressing against my forehead more and more. It would remove skin of my forehead sooner or later. I felt pain in my eyes because of the sunlight which reflected from metal, water, and the harbour buildings, which were made white with a mixture of powdered chalk and water. I felt pain in my throat simply because I was thirsty. I was very very unhappy.

This is not a very well-written text, is it? There surely must be better ways of describing the situation and the ideas. Let’s see if we can improve it! Our task is twofold: First, spotting the two mistakes in the text, and second, rewriting the whole text in a “better’ way.

Tags: Alistair Maclean

The writing workshop is back, redesigned to be much easier to use than before.
For the time being, the workshop is limited to English, but hopefully new sections for Persian and other languages will be added in the future.
Obviously I am looking for interested and able people to run the new sections, and also for co-authors for the English section, so if you are interested, do not hesitate to contact me.
So, here we go!

There was a man. He was going back to his office. He was passing a group of people in the street. He heard a few words of what they were saying. He suddenly stopped to move. He looked at those people in a way that showed that maybe he wanted to say something to them, but he decided not to do it because it was not a good idea. He ran quickly to the other side of the road. He went quickly to his office. He sharply told his secretary not to interrupt what he was going to do. He quickly and firmly took hold of the phone. He almost finished dialing but at that moment his decision changed. He put receiver back down and moved his hand slowly over his moustache, thinking… No, he was not acting in a wise way.

This is not a very well-written text, is it? Firstly, it contains two mistakes, and secondly, the structure and the choice of words and expressions are not good at all. In fact, this text needs a complete shake-up; it has to be rewritten all over!
Rewrite the text making any changes you find necessary to correct and improve it.

I did not see her until lunch-time, when she offered taking me for walk, and we spent a nice afternoon walking in the woods, and returned to house about five.

This text can be improved in a number of ways:
1. There are some mistakes in the text that must be corrected
2. Assuming that she made her offer without being forced to or being asked by anyone to do so, can you suggest a verb other than “offer” that would emphasize this nuance?
3. Think of other, more expressive, words to use instead of “nice”.
4. Assuming that they walked in the woods without having a particular purpose, can you suggest a more exact word than “walk”?
5. “…, and returned…” Isn’t there a better way of saying this?
Rewrite the text making any changes you find necessary to correct and improve it.

Tags: Agatha Christie